Self deprication is okay.

If I were to list the new things in life that I tried to do of any significance and then figured out which ones I had accomplished and which ones I had failed I feel like it would not go well for me. Some of my innumerable failures have been different attempts to chronicle thoughts and events in my life. As vain and self absorbed as I am there are few things that give me more pleasure than hearing about myself, even if it has to come from a 'me' of say 6 months ago. To that end I have tried multiple times to keep a journal which has met with different levels of success but all inevitably ending the same way, with me stopping. So, I am taking a new direction with the online blog (redundant?). Perhaps the added appeal of getting other hypothetical people to hear about me will be enough to keep my otherwise insufficient willpower in the black.

For anyone unfortunate enough to stumble upon these musings rest assured that it will not always be this irritatingly self deprecating. There are other times where it will be mind numbingly conceited and self serving. Such is the nature of my group (as apposed to 2 or 3 people) personality. The two extremes (self deprecation and egomaniacism) are meant to balance each other as I am curiously incapable of just being honest with what I think about myself when I am with groups of people or for that matter any person I don't know that well. That is certainly one of my biggest flaws, another is my frustrating use of run on sentences and unnecessary parenthesis (this would be an example), though for good measure lets mention my absent mindedness as well (I currently don't know where my cell phone is).

While I am listening my many flaws let us digress while I tell you about a realization of a somewhat depressing flaw of mine I came to terms with the other day. In my adult life I have had some success having good, healthy, platonic friendships with women. There are a number of women who I have become pretty good friends with without any more than a passing consideration to something more. I have also had some luck with staying friends with women that I had been romantic with in the past. I felt good about this as it is something that I think a lot of men my age aren't really capable of. However in the shower (feel free to imagine me naked for this next realization because I totally was) the other day I realized that all the women that I have ever really been friends with were attractive. Now I am not saying they were all knockouts, but ostensibly they have all been at least pretty and certainly on the right side of the bell curve of attractiveness for all women. Now you might think that I would be happy about this but quite the opposite. This seems like it can hardly be a coincidence which means that even if I wasn't looking for something beyond friendship with these woman I was certainly on some level concerned with more than just their personality. I guess it just made me a feel like I was much more superficial then I thought I was. I suppose it isn't the worst thing in the world and probably most people are as well, but it is still kind of an uncomfortable thought. I suppose I will have to lean on my many other admirable qualities to get me through this tough time. Like that fact that I can juggle, that's a good one.

Alas I have to wake up in less than 5 hours for physical therapy, so we'll call this a first post and hit the road. Good night and God Bless.