Sisu

As some of you know a while back I decided I wanted to run a marathon while I was in New Zealand. Looking at what the options there were I made an ambitious choice of marathon. It was an off-road marathon called the Motatapu Icebreaker. Unlike most marathons it isn't flat but runs over hills and other challenging terrain. You have to carry water and a rain jacket with you as aid stations can be as far as eight miles away. I had never run a marathon before, in fact I had never raced more than two miles. Still I had always had good endurance and it wasn't until March. I would be traveling during February but that still left me 3.5 months to train in Wellington and then I could just maintain while traveling. I knew it would be hard but I thought I could do it.

Unfortunatly not everything went as planned. Three weeks into training I went to an Ultimate tournament and banged up my knees pretty good. I had meant to take it easy, I knew that this was a risk with my knees. Besides I did not care that much about the tournament. However I have never been good at holding back when I play Ultimate. I don't say that with pride, I wish it weren't the case. I've played with great players that had that switch, that knew when it was worth it to throw your body around, to do whatever it took, but also knew when it wasn't. It was a lesson I never learned, I could never turn it off. I wish that hadn't been the case. It made me a worse player, and it didn't help my team. My only regrets from my college career were the times when I had to watch big games from the sideline after hurting myself in games I didn't need to. In 2007 I dislocated my shoulder in a game we were dominating trying desperately to make a grab, only to watch injured, as we lost two games by one point. Although I've gotten better it is still something I have to learn and because of that weekend and the fact that I was commited to playing through mid December my knees couldn't take long distance running.

So for the last two months I didn't run at all outside of on the ultimate field. A great workout but not at all the kind of training that helps one prepare for a marathon. So seeing as how I had trained for three weeks then stopped for two months I was effectively back at square one. I figured it might still be possible to still do it so I decided I would run for a while and if by the Jan 30 deadline I felt like I had come far enough I would register. I thought my knees were finally ready so yesterday I went on a 'tester' run of about 30 minutes to see how my knees felt. It went well so I went on a longer run tonight. A good way into the run I started thinking about my knees. They were holding up well on a pretty long run that included a good amount of uphill and downhill. I can't say they felt absolutely great but I haven't been able to say that about my knees in years and I don't know if I ever will be able to again. Still, they were strong enough. With that information I had to admit to myself that the question had ceased to be, "Can I do this?" and had become "Will I do this?". It was a tough question. I didn't have near the kind of time I had originally planned. Sure I knew I could finish the marathon, but that wouldn't be enough. Obviously I am not going to win this thing or even come close. Still, my performance mattered a great deal to me. I don't like losing but I cannot stand for being embarresed. If I run, I want to run a race I can feel proud of. That would take a lot. And this run, nowhere near what I was looking at was well, hard.

Then I started thinking of the word written on my chest. My only tattoo. The word 'Sisu'. Ever since I got the tattoo people have inevitably asked what it means. Most people get the briefest of answers or none at all. Even to my closest friends and family I have never gone into the full explanation of what it means to me for fear of embarrising myself. I can tell some people really do want to know though. I figure now is as good a time as any to explain.

Sisu is a Finish word not directly translatable into English. Different people associate different English words with it; grit, toughness, guts, bravery, courage, stubborness, or sometimes longer phrases. In the end it seems that it is a word that simply means different things to different people. The one that resonates with me and is what the word means to me is, 'The will to resist'. The people I have told this often ask, "Resist what?". This is the part I usually don't elaborate on.

I am someone who believes that life is a series of choices. Some larger, some smaller in significance. In every decision there is a path of least resistance, an easiest choice and then other choices that are more difficult. Sometimes the least resistive choice is the right one, often it's not. What defines our lives is whether we have the will to resist, the sisu as it were, to make the harder choice, so that even if we do in the end choose the easier, it is because it is the right choice. Sometimes it is something simple. Maybe you are hiking and you have to choose between a higher, more difficult path, or a lower easier one. Sometimes it is much more complicated.

I hope, when I am an old man, that I will have been a good man who lived a good life. This may seem like a simple thing but it is not to me. I believe that most people are alright people who lived okay lives. That is fine. It just isn't what I want. I think living a good life or being a good man (neither of which I am close to having achieved) will neccesitate me making very hard choices many times from here to there. To be a great man or live a great life requires yet more and I think it is very possible that I have already taken the low road far too many times in my life to achieve those things. I often think of the times where I took the less resistive path when I knew it wasn't the right one, or convinced myself it was. Times I didn't train hard enough, didn't work hard enough on something I cared about, didn't help someone I could have, didn't take a chance with a girl. Times where I didn't have enough sisu. Those are the events that we call regrets. I think back to them and know that to be who I want to be and live the life I want to live I can never be so weak again.

This marathon was one of those choices. The path of less resistance was to call it a little bad luck, maybe do a half marathon, and maybe do a full down the road when I have more time to prepare. I thought about the word on my chest and knew that that wasn't the right choice, only the easier. So when I made it home, exhausted I registered for the marathon. I knew it would require a good deal of commitment and sacrifice. I would have to make it my biggest priority for the rest of my time in Wellingtona and continue to train while traveling. I would need to eat better, miss out on other things I would like to do, and train very very hard. It was the first choice, and the biggest, but not the hardest.

I've found, often it isn't that big choices that are the truly hard ones, it is the small. It is easy to finish a run, get excited and decide you are going to run a marathon. It is much harder to go run for three hours after a long day when you really don't want to. It is a lot harder to turn down the pizza you are craving for the beans and vegetables you aren't. It is a lot harder to tell the girl you just started dating that you can't see her that night, that you need to train instead. These things are hard for the very reason that they are small and easier to dismiss. It is these decisions that will truly test my sisu and determine how I perform in this chapter of my life. I would say that I hope I can do it, but it isn't a matter of if I can do it. It is only a matter of if I will.

Joey